We're less than three months now from my due date (even though my third trimester doesn't officially start till next week? *shrugs*) and... well, I'm pretty miserable, to be perfectly honest. Of course that's not what I say when people ask how I'm doing. I say I'm doing fine. Because I sort of am. I mean, for all I know, this is a super-easy pregnancy (minus that pesky morning sickness that still hasn't completely gone away). At the worst, it's probably average. But I've never done it before. And I feel big. And awkward. And like my insides are all jumbled up. I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I haven't had a really good night's sleep in at least a month, and I'm not likely to have one for... I don't know, a year?
So that's how I really am. But I'll continue to say "fine" when people ask. It's just easier.
Anyway, when I woke up on Thursday morning, it just sort of hit me that this is it. Nothing changed from one day to the next, except that now it was 2015... and that just made this whole thing feel more real.
So, in a last-ditch effort to hold onto my identity (and not that of this pregnant lady who's completely taken over my life), here's a little survey reflecting over the last year. Let's see how much of this can NOT focus on the baby.
What did you do in 2014 that you’ve never done before?
Stood up in a wedding (that wasn't mine).
Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm not much of a resolution person. My main goal for 2015 is survive... hopefully with my sanity somewhat intact.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
A couple good friends had a baby in March.
Did anyone close to you die?
Yes... and quite unexpectedly.
What other countries did you visit?
I haven't had a valid passport since I changed my name almost eight years ago.
What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Actually applying for a job that would have been perfect for me instead of chickening out, and making it most of the way through the interview process.
What was your biggest failure?
Not getting said job. Not applying for more jobs. Letting my depression and anxiety get the best of me. (I know it asks for just one, but they're sort of all related.)
Did you suffer illness or injury?
I did spend most of late summer and early fall puking, though I'm not sure that counts as "illness."
Where did most of your money go?
Paying off student loans... completely!
What song will always remind you of 2014?
Billy Joel's "Lullabye." Thanks to my brother's wedding, his dance with his new two-year-old daughter, and my first real hormone-induced (or at least -enhanced) breakdown... I'll probably never be able to hear this song without bawling again.
What was your favorite TV show?
Without a doubt, Parks and Recreation. I can't remember if I started watching it early 2014 or late 2013, but it's a relatively new obsession.
What was the best book you read?
Impossible to pick just one. See my book blog for a more complete answer.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Probably not what this question is really asking, but the fact that I can download music from Freegal through my library is pretty great.
What was your favorite film of the year?
Either Captain America: The Winter Soldier or Guardians of the Galaxy. What can I say, I'm a sucker for the Marvel Cinematic Universe. X-Men: Days of Future Past was pretty good too.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Just went out for dinner, nothing fancy. BWW, maybe? I turned 31... which was somehow way more depressing than turning 30.
What do you think would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not sure, but it was definitely missing something. I can't remember anything significant happening in the first half of the year. Not sure if that's because nothing did, or if the latter half just overshadowed it.
Well, I'm not sure there's much in there to make me feel better... but I suppose the silver lining is that losing myself in this pregnancy isn't such a big deal, since it's not like I had much going on anyway.
2015, I have a feeling, is going to be a lot more interesting.