Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Week and Six Comments Later

I got so many comments in my last blog post (well, "many" relative to our blog, anyway) I figured it was best to address them with another post.

First of all, just a general statement. I've been feeling sort of guilty for implying that some people are proud of their mental illnesses, and not in a "taking ownership of who I am" kind of way, but in a "woooo, look at me" way. I don't know. Maybe there are some people who feel superior because they deal with disorders numbering in the double digits, but most people probably aren't. Most people are probably just struggling to survive.

That out of the way, I also feel like I can't criticize because I'm guilty of playing the martyr card myself. Anxiety is a HUGE reason that, two years after moving to Dubuque, I still don't have a job (actually I stopped the search a while back, for reasons involving that thing I'm not talking about yet). I'm awkward face-to-face. I'm way worse on the phone. I've only had one serious* panic attack in my life, but I feel like I have a mini one every time I have to pick up the phone. I have to really psych myself up for it. I can sit there staring at my phone for upwards of twenty minutes before I input a number, and then it will take me another five to actually press send . . . and then the whole time I'm praying that I can just leave a pre-rehearsed message instead of having an actual conversation.

But instead of sucking it up and dealing with these things (or, heaven forbid, admitting I can't and getting professional help), I use it as an excuse. The more excuses I make, the longer I go without finding a job, which in turn continues to chip away at my self-esteem, which in turn makes it easier for me to turn to my issues as an excuse . . . it's just a soul-sucking spiral.

And yes, I know that job searching is a soul-sucking experience for everyone, but I have it WORSE, because I have DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, so feel sorry for me! (Oops, sorry, been spending too much time reading those forums again.)

Huh, I was going to use this space to address comments and I've totally gone off track. So I guess I'll just say thanks for the support. I know some of you know what it's like and some of you don't. It actually feels good to let some of this out (hmm, maybe I should be talking to a therapist instead of the internet . . . but you guys are free) so maybe it's something I'll write more about in the future. I can turn it into a thing. Depression Thursdays or something.

* And can I just say how pissed off I still am about the whole "legitimate rape" thing. Because first of all, just no. And second of all, I can't use the word "legitimate" now. It's like the word doesn't even mean the same thing anymore. (And if you were lucky enough to miss this and have no clue what I'm talking about, click here for an explanation.)

Ugh. I need a happier mental image to end this post on.

Aww, otter snuggles!

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave in expressing your concerns honestly. Take support whenever and wherever you can find it. Remember that things can get better. You are a very special person. Just always know that you are loved by myself and many others.-Marilyn